I've had a challenging go of it, for the last 1 or 2 months...emotionally, spiritually. MOUNTAINLOADS of family drama have dragged up some snags and tangles from the past. And I transitioned from my three medium-sized jobs to one big job and three tiny jobs. And I am still preparing to be a graduate student in the fall. I endeavor (not always so gracefully) to continue to deepen and enrich my relationship with Spirit - this helps above all things (as do all my wonderful, wonderful friends!).

I FIND THAT FOR ME, the most direct way to healing, transformation, and guidance is to give explicitly to God’s heart each bodily pain, each wave of anger or fear, each embarrassment, each perplexity, each inner confusion, each person for whom I pray. I know God’s heart will take what is offered, hold it, heal it, and transform it into the creative energy it is meant to be.

I am learning to release past hurtful memories, as well as challenging future events, to God’s heart. I am learning to send to that heart my experiences right now: driving, cleaning, phoning, writing, taking a walk, entering a plane, welcoming my family at the door. - Flora Slosson Wuellner

(very early in the journey)

Free associating about what I want to do with my life...

Growing up is hard:
Forming a self image, a view of the world, a body.
Children react to the world around them, but also contain incalculable wisdom.
Children need understanding, affirmation;
lots of stimulation and room
to make their own choices (and mistakes!);
diversity!
Instead many children only hear: follow our rules! buy our products!
Some children have an even harder time; they were born with special challenges.
Physical. Mental.
Bring healing to a child and you've also touched an adult:
an adult they will become or maybe an adult in their world now.
I want to participate in the play-learning of childhood.
I want to reach children that are hiding behind hurts or challenges.
I want to serve children in their growth.

Welcome, Spring

I dearly love living in a climate where we experience four distinct seasons. And we all experience them differently. They are the center of my consciousness, the ray from which all inspiration, all serenity beams.

When I first began learning about global warming, I felt a profound disruption in the rhythm of seasons. I felt confused. The coming of spring is still a bit challenging. It's as if the earth says to me, "I'm not really ready to bloom again, but that damn sun is burning so hot already." I fear that cold weather, at my particular latitude, may one day be rare and precious. And I dearly love cold weather. So refreshing, so invigorating.

This year, a wonderful celtic harp concert ushered my heart into Spring. Visions of green hillsides and mossy meadows, fresh breezes. I remembered that Earth is one giant and complex wheel always turning, adapting to changes, responding with her myriad of diverse life. The days get longer and warmer and so, spring is here.

Each season has a prayer; something to teach us. Each season has a wardrobe, a palate, a different endowment of light. Rejoice! and welcome spring!

My Prayer

God, I bless you.
Spirit, I honor you.
Your wisdom flows through me.
Your peace comforts me.
You are every smiling face
that has ever brought me joy;
every shocking blow that brings me closer
to Truth.
You are the light of hope,
the source of all life.
You are my heritage,
all of my ancestors.
My inheritance.
You are the great Mystery of the ages.
Thank you for accompanying me through this life.
Please continue to inspire me to follow your leadings,
and make me a more perfect channel
of your Love.

Affirmations; a primer

(Note: much of my exposure to and growth through affirmations is inspired by this awesome site. Check it out for tons of great content. Also, feel free to ask me for more examples - I have a bunch!)

I'm a big fan of affirmations. The main reason I think they're important is how easily we say negative things about ourselves. If it feels natural to say mean things to ourselves ("I'm such a bad cook!" and "I'll never stop over-reacting.") why shouldn't it feel natural to say nice/encouraging things to ourselves just for the sake of balance? Here are two that are especially important to me right now:

• I act with purposeful awareness of the unchanging nature of God.
• I transcend stressors that do no need my attention now. I am soothed by Holy Breath.

Crafting a statement which holds truth for you and then watering that little bit of truth each time you say it. It grows! It is a tiny transformation. Using language and the power of your own voice to release a flow of change.

Start with a personal challenge or theme. Ex: anxiety, ups & downs, impatience, anger. Sit with these words, re-create times when these challenges have bubbled up in your life and caused a meltdown. Clarify why these things are standing in your way.

Now, without judgment or skepticism, write down the opposite of these words. Just look at the "challenge word" and objectively write down whatever lies at the opposite end of the spectrum, from your point of view. Ex (from above): calmness, smoothness/steady, patience, joy. Sit with these words and know that God wants these things for you. Feel the presence of hope and accept that these things are already within you, waiting to come to fruition.

There are 4 types of affirmation. They can assist you in:

• Letting Go (as in, "I release anger that clouds my vision.")
• Accepting/Receiving (as in, "I accept God's unconditional love.")
• Being Aware (as in, "I am whole.")
• Acting with intentionality (as in, "All my actions serve my higher purpose.")

When crafting your affirmation, use the positive words that you wrote down in response to your challenges and place them into one of the above 4 types of affirmation. Your resultant phrase should be PERSONAL, POSITIVE and IN THE PRESENT. It may be helpful to add descriptive words that work for you, Ex: "I shed self-doubt like a thick coat on a warm day." or "I allow myself to enjoy the sweetness of each compliment I receive." This can create a more visceral experience of the affirmation.

Remove any words of judgement or expectation, (as in, "I will stop being so negative," and "I will loose 20 pounds in the next 3 months.") Affirmations can speak to things that are currently hold truth (again, even just a little bit) for you or things that you wish to make manifest, but not as easily to things that you have no control over (as in, "I am respected and valued," or "The world is at peace.") I haven't found them to be very helpful, anyhow.

Use your affirmations in prayer, meditation or when you need a jolt out of a terrible mood. I recommend using each one sparingly, maybe once or twice a day - saying them mindlessly is a waste in my experience. Sometimes they will feel like a joke ("Who am I kidding? I'm not radiating peace! I'm a wreck!") Just know that in these times, you need the affirmations the most. That little piece of truth is drowning in a sea of negativity. If you are completely unable to feel that truth in your affirmation, go stomp around your room for a while or yell at a bad driver in the safety of your car, but don't take it out on yourself with hateful messages or the abandonment of a useful tool like these nurturing phrases. You deserve better!

tiny message of love for my neighborhood

I approach the edge of the park at nighttime and voices waft towards me on the frozen breeze. Christmas carols. A cluster of candlelight and a tree decorated with colorful LEDs. Paradise! I attempt to sing alto with some new friends. I look around and see smiles on faces in every color. I silently praise God for bringing me to this place.

I enjoy an evening of Spiritual reflection and celebration of the Solistice with Quaker Friends at the local anarchist space. We dance, sing, share, enjoy candle light and sweets. Greenery lends subtle sweetness to the air.

I cut loose. Dress up. Drink! ;)

I challenge myself to engage in thoughts and discussions about race, class, gender and religion BECAUSE I am surrounded by a diversity of these things. I grapple with guilt and confusion and am occasionally blessed by the unspeakably rewarding sense of knowing another human being in a deeper and more profound way than I did before. A Holy Kingdom with room for all.

I shop for goods that are fair-traded, organic, local, thoughtful, creative, homemade at stores along Baltimore Avenue. I eat foods from (or inspired by) different cultures. Spicy Thai noodles. Warm, chewy Indian Naan. Piles of fragrant ethiopian mush (my favorite!).

I walk past the barren community gardens at dusk. Tangled stalks and weeds reminding me of summer's fullness. A cat scurries through. The quiet stops me. I stop and look around, smiling.

Confession as a spiritual practice

I've been unable to level with the idea of "sin" and "repentance" for years upon years. I was told, as a child, that I would be punished for my sins (lying, swearing, being angry at my parents), either in this life (via illness, loss and failure) or the next (fire, brimstone etc.). As an adolescent, while I was shunning all forms of outward religion and rebelling against authority in the most cunning, passive ways I could devise, this model of transgression and payment became the cornerstone of an ideology that I, in my heart-of-hearts, rejected.

I eventually went on to re-establish my connections with outward religion in the form of The Religious Society of Friends (Quakers). The journey into Quakerism has utterly transformed my spirituality and my life and I will be ever grateful for it. It is a religion with many branches and belief systems; everything from Evangelical Friends who believe that Jesus alone brings salvation, to non-theist Friends.

As my commitment to a Spirit-led life increases and I do more reading and listening, I find myself interested, once again, in the concepts of sin, confession and repentance. I ask from the perspective of, "Why is this important to so many people? Where is the Truth in these popular concepts?" As in all things, one must answer only to her or his own Inward Teacher. What can I say about feeling broken and the need to feel forgiven?

A few things have become clear to me...(here come the bullet points - oh how I love lists!)

• Divine forgiveness and self-forgiveness are absolutely inextricable and equally important. To experience one is to experience the other. Divine Love enables me to forgive myself which is a very powerful thing!
  
• Though there is some speculation, the word "repent" may have originally come from the Greek word "mentanoia" meaning, "an about face," or "to turn towards." I like to think that when I come to God to repent my "sins," I am engaging in an inspired action of turning back towards Divine love.
  
• Sins are not universal, nor can they be decided upon by one person for another. I see "sin" as anything which separates me from God; anything which makes it difficult for me to see that of God in the world: Jealousy. Fear. Over indulgence/greed. Judgment.
• In my mind, the concept of punishment for sins is an archaic form of mind control; shitty things happen to people. Trying to figure out why is like a cat chasing its tail. Trying to avoid being punished by God is NOT why I confess my brokenness, my sins.
  

Some things that are not yet clear to me...

• The eastern perspective of balance (think Ying Yang) speaks to me. There is lightness and darkness in the world and they are both real, valid expressions of universal energy. There are two sides to every story. No one is perfect all the time. We all have anger and fear and unfair biases; if we squelch them and pretend that we can be perfect, we may harm ourselves or others. We need to own our "dark side," our limitations, and remain receptive to unconditional love from the Divine and from ourselves anyway. That is to say that I see sin as part of a healthy spiritual life - weird, right?
• What is the priority of repentance? I'm quite certain that the message is not, "Repent, sinner!" And yet I see many people as being unwilling to admit that they are making "spiritual mistakes" (like jealousy, greed, pridefullness). It is their own spiritual lives that are diminished because of that; how can I encourage others to humble themselves to God without seeming self-righteous?
  

When we humble our hearts in prayer, admitting our spiritual errors in a way that feels authentic to us, we open the door for a deep forgiveness that enables us to remain close to God.